Back in January, my pastor had talked about finding a word for the year to focus on in how to seek out God, to find Him in Bible study, in prayer, in life in general. My word that I selected was trust. Trust to let go more of the kids I call mine that really He has entrusted me with- to raise to love and honor Him, but are in all ways, His. Trust in my work. Trust in making life in our little house work. Trust in how I was to go and be guided and called on the year. I have said for a long time that I have "controlled" trust in God- that I will move based on having my own back up plan in case....I laugh and smile now, knowing and realizing that perhaps my "controlled trust" is really just another possible defiance in the direction God had for me. But, I digress. Controlled trust.
I decided to go to Haiti, by the world's standards, on a whim. It was a month ago. On a Saturday night service at church. I was serving, and after talking about Micah 6:8 of doing justly, loving mercy, and walking humbly with God... talk of the global outreach at church.... Talk revisiting the fantastic night celebrating all God has done for Healing Haiti in the past year.... And Tom saw me, and asked if I wanted to go to Haiti. A conversation with the kids on a few occasions, and with confirmation from the kids that I should go to Haiti because "God wants you there if Tom asked you", I am on this team. Not because it was convenient. Not because I felt like it. Not because I wanted to just get away for a week. God provided such a plethora of signs in a single week that I found myself unable to do anything else but say Yes. If I'm wrong, God will still use me anyway.... but if I'm right and to not go? I'd rather be a fool for leaving on a perceptively worldly whim.
In each trip blog, I have to have the disclaimer my life is a running collection of a soundtrack as well as seeing the "perfect" picture to capture a moment that is generally insignificant. I randomly threw in Newsboys "Go" album over the weekend. Part of the chorus is "Go; From the top of the world; To the bottom rung; 'Til the work is done; I'm gonna send you...." Go. Trust.... but they all lead to Open. Open to the crazy to leave kids I have guilt not seeing every day because we have a split family, sports, dance, and activities that keep us busy and away from the family time I had always envisioned. Open to the world's standard of crazy to come back to somewhere I was just at 3 months prior. Open more than anything else, to seeking and discerning the why. Why did God ask me to trust that the details would fall into place to leave. Why did God ask me to join a team that was already large- what can I offer when there are more capable, organized, and effective people in my eyes here? What am I to be taught in the week? What is God going to lead me to in coming? What area is going to be stretched and pulled to such significance that I'll never be the same? What happens if I don't see "my" kids? What happens if I get sick for the first time on the fourth trip? What happens if God finds a different way to break my heart wide open? And in all the questions-- where it the prayer for trust? Where is the giving up and trusting in all circumstances rather than just the space of "I did my part. You do yours.? It's the glorious unknown that gives sometimes such a scare that there is no other option but to simply act as led by God.
Open. Go. Trust. Do Something. It as if God is saying "I created you... to Go from the top of ht world to the bottom rung, til the work is done, I'm gonna send you.... to do something."
Dear friends. Watch out. God is definitely going to do something on a team of 19.